This article first appeared in 65 Roses Winter 2016 edition.
When I was in my early twenties I met a guy. He was gorgeous, he was funny, he was smart, and I was smitten. So, he didn’t want people to know about me – we were having fun. So, he was very quick to point out we weren’t actually ‘going out’ – I was sure that would change with time. So, he found my CF difficult to cope with, wouldn’t speak to me when I was in hospital, said that ‘people like me’ maybe should be allowed to just die as a child… but these were just attitudes that could change.. right?
I was a late bloomer when it came to dating. I’d always had lots of male friends, but had never been in a relationship. I was really confident in many other areas of my life – friendships, school, work, but I lacked confidence in myself when it came to sex, relationships and love. While that’s not unusual for many young people, I’d also convinced myself that I had this ‘extra’ thing that made me unloveable – my CF.
When I finally found myself in a relationship (of sorts) that was more than just a snog on a dancefloor or a night in someone’s bed, I was overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity. I felt that I had to be perfect, not cause any issues, not rock the boat, because there was this thing – my CF – that was so wrong with me that I had to make up for it in other ways. And the way I chose to make up for it was by never challenging the hurtful behaviour. Behaviour that I would never accept from anyone else in my life.
I stayed hung up on this guy for months and months, cycling through being treated amazingly well followed by periods of rejection, sadness, and what I now recognise as emotional abuse. I accepted it all because I was so scared that this was my only chance at love. It took him asking to stay at my place to go to a music festival with his girlfriend – a girlfriend I hadn’t known about until that moment – for me to come to my senses and cut him out of my life.
Looking back on this experience almost 15 years later, I now realise he did me a favour. Had we actually ended up together, I think at best he would have eroded my self-confidence and cheated on me, at worse he may have continued and escalated the cycle of abuse he was already showing signs of when we were together.
Unfortunately, domestic partner abuse is not uncommon. In the general public, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced emotional abuse from a current or former partner (ANROWS, 2013, p. 1). 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men have experienced physical or sexual violence from a current or former partner (ANROWS, 2013). Women with disabilities (including chronic illness) are 40% more likely than women without disabilities to experience physical or sexual abuse from a partner (Frohmader & Connor, 2015, p. 12). Men are three times more likely to perpetrators of abuse than women (ANROWS, 2013, p. 1).
People who abuse prey on vulnerability, and people with CF can be vulnerable. Our vulnerability comes not just from the fact we are sometimes less physically capable than other people, but also from a society that tells us that we have to be grateful for any love we get because our condition makes us somehow ‘defective’. Even throughout my current, awesome, 8-year, relationship, I’ve had well-meaning friends and family members tell me that I’m lucky my partner has stayed with me despite my CF. These sentiments, while not intending to harm, reinforce the idea that I’m somehow less deserving of love and relationships, that I’m automatically a burden on my partner, and that my partner is a saint for putting up with me. Even in my current relationship enduring feelings of inadequacy have meant I have not always stood up for myself when I should have, for fear that my partner will decide it’s all just too hard, and leave. Those feelings have decreased over the years, but they do still sneak in from time to time.
So, to all my CF friends, you are fabulous. You are strong, and wise, and have life experiences that make you a fantastic partner and person. You are deserving of love. Relationships are about give and take – sometimes you’ll need help, and sometimes your partner will. You need to stand up for yourself even when it is scary, because what you need from your relationship is just as important as what your partner needs. There are heaps of fantastic people in the world for whom your CF won’t be an issue when it comes to loving you – if that’s not the person you’re with now, find someone else. And if you are experiencing emotional, physical or sexual abuse, talk to someone, get help, get out, get safe.
Need help? Get help: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – National sexual assault, family and domestic violence hotline, 24 hours.
References:
Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety (ANROWS) (2013). Violence against women: key statistics. Fact sheet. Viewed at http://wwda.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/1800RESPECT_WWDA_Webinar_Oct15.pdf
Frohmader, C. & Connor, S. (2015). Understanding violence against women with disabilities. Powerpoint presentation. Viewed at http://wwda.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/1800RESPECT_WWDA_Webinar_Oct15.pdf